Ouch. My teeth!

I am just back from the dentist. And wait a minute- it doesn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would. I think I was hypnotized. Dad talked about a dentist of his in the UK that used hypnotism. Okay- I guess his type might have been different. You see, I am medic-phobic; whatever that means. I hate going to clinics, hate the way they smell etc. You will think this is not the case given my upbringing. But I will practically do anything to stay out of the clinic.

This usually means that I always need an incentive to see a doctor. There is no better incentive than a combination of pain and hope of seeing a beautiful woman. Oya, judge me- Mr. & Ms. Holier than thou. You no like woman? Okay na man you wan make I like? In any case, I always generally prefer female docki (doctors in a razz way) to the male ones. This is especially true after a weird physical examination experience- the first when I got to the US of A. That gist I shall reserve for later and it shall be told only by popular request. If you like call me racist: all things being equal too, I prefer minority female doctors. “Minority” is PC word for non-white at my neck of the wood. Hence, my GP is a sexy African American woman married to a naija man. Let us just say she knows her stuff- plus: cute nice woman who is a big flirt- can it get better than that?

While I was in naija for Christmas, I started feeling the pangs and pay back for my years of neglect of my dental health. You see, I was one of those kids that will eat the toothpaste rather than use it. You sabi dem, abi? Yes, I mean them- meaning you. As if you no do am. Add this to the fact that I am so scared of being under that their interrogation room like light, then you have a recipe for a dental disaster! So while having my fill of correct suya, biscuit bone, eran Ileya etc. I realized around Christmas that my perfect resilient dentition was not all that anymore. The pain became unbearable when I came back to Houston. So I decided I needed to schedule an appointment to see one of these White Herbalists. After a thorough search that was driven by good practice coupled with the need for a dead drop gorgeous docki I made up my mind.

I mean I was not disappointed when I walked into her practice. A pretty looking Asian lady greeted me: she looks as if she is in her early twenties but I am sure she is older. For a second I thought she will be better suited for one of those Asian Massage parlors (see no evil- I talk am) than just being a dental assistant. But I was in for a surprise. “Hello I am Dr. Tracy your Dental Surgeon- we….” The rest I cannot remember. I was so enthralled, the rest of the words got lost in translation. It looks like I will get double dental work the way it is going. Can you imagine that name too? Tracy: name of a heartbreaker- sounds like Anna Nicole Smith to me.

In no time, Doc Tracy got to work. After the x-ray came the examination when she rattled off some alphanumeric rendition to her assistant- stuff I can never get a handle off and soon confirmed to me that my fate was sealed. My dentition was a project work for final year dental surgeon student: a case study of everything gone awry. According to her, I needed four wisdom tooth extractions (which I will not do), six fillings and one crown; and of course some deep cleaning. I thanked her and scheduled to be back today after of course seeking second opinion: if you know the ways of dentists.

Before I left, she sure went personal as they (single career ladies) always do when you go professional on them (catch me if you can). She asked what I did for a living- I told and then sugar coated it. Shebi you don forget say I be naija man? In any case, just when I was about to step out she made an off the cuff comment to her assistant about being bored this weekend and staying home alone. I ignored it but offered gentlemanly to take her to lunch if my pain disappears by year end due to her hard work. You could see the smirk on her face when she said – “year end!-?” Question or exclamation, I do not know. All I know is that she is game, but I do not intent to fulfill that promise. Not after she has made good from my Insurance and Co-pay. I be mugu? Na me be Bank of America?

I went back today to get my first fillings done; you won’t want to start with the most painful procedure trust me. And it appears it might have gone well. Dental practice is always weird stuff to me. They are doctors, yet they use tools of carpenters. They have their saws, drills, mirror, marker, measuring tape, mitre rule etc. Okay, I know dem no dey call am these names; but I remember Doc. Tracy screwing something in or on my tooth at one point. Ouch! Just pray the anesthesia work; thank God it did. At least I have few hours before it wears out and the aftermath pain hits me for real. I can handle it not to worry. I am numb on the right side where all four fillings were done though.

Anyway, right now I am so hungry but cannot eat. Will do anything for Moi-Moi and ogi. Shebi you are now so Americanized abi na Britico that you cannot even remember what that is again. Custard ko, jelly ni. Omo iya oniru. Nonsense and fabrication

Watched: In pursuit of Happiness- this is a must see movie. This movie wins my Oscar.

Finished Reading: I finally got around finishing Uncle Wole’s memoirs – You must Set Forth at Dawn. Somehow, I had been stuck in the last chapter since November (even after finishing Prince by Machiavelli and Saro Wiwa’s memoirs between then and now). Somehow I wished the story never ended- Uncle Wole sabi gist provided im no introduce dem bombastic oyinbo wey even dey confuse Aunty Liz (i.e. my Cousin- Queen Elizabeth II)

To Finish: The Life of Oluadah Equiano, the African… stuck on this book like Uncle Wole’s …this needs to be done with.